"I closed the door to the war I started last Halloween." For those who don't know this is a lyric quote from the song "Graceful Dancing" by Blue October. I love this song for so many reasons but the main reason is for this one line. I identify with this line because last Halloween is when all the chaos and uncertainty began. Little did I know I was opening doors to which would never be closed again without help of others, for example, professionals. I kept lying to myself and making myself believe that this was something I could handle on my own and my family suffered from this stubbornness.
For years and years I felt like I was living in the trenches. That's what being depressed is like. It feels like you live in this trench and every once in awhile you get your head over the top and then it is pushed right back down. However, I did not have Depression. I was suffering from the lows that was brought on by manic episodes that you experience when you have Bipolar Disorder. Had I known this is what I had even five years ago, so many things could have been different. I probably could have saved so much more money, since compulsive shopping is one of the main syptoms of mania. This monster lied low and disguised himself as others like Anxiety, Postpartum Depression and Depression. Then it started rearing it's ugly head to me last October with depression, sickness and poor decision making. Come December, I had to cope with my sinus surgery so I wasn't exactly sure of what I was feeling at that time. When April came around I was a complete mess. I stopped getting out and talking to my friends, it was excruciating just to look them in the eye. I even remember saying to one "It's hard for me to be happy". Even doing the one absolute thing I cherished was a horrific task and that was being a Mother. I had so much anger and hatred in me there were no words to describe it which made me angrier. I turned to the wrong things to numb the pain. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't describe it to others. I finally broke at the beginning of May....
After four months of therapy and medication I am on the road to recovery. I love talking to and doing activities with my kids again. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been. He has been my rock through this whole ordeal. Over the past few months not only did I get a therapist but close friends and my dear, dear Grandmother became my therapist. Hanging around friends and family is easier, calmer and fun just as it used to be.
I know there are people out there who do not understand this disease and think it is just made up to gain attention. It's not. It's a serious disease that needs to be treated like any other disease. Some people's minds click, some don't... is how I see it. I'm not writing this for everyone to come back and say "Whoa is Jamie", I'm actually writing this to warn you. Just because I am on the road to recovery doesn't mean I can't slip back into the deep dark abyss of loneliness called depression and just because I am recovering doesn't mean I can't make an irrational, thoughtless decision again. It can happen again and at anytime, but right now I am trying my hardest to take every day for what it is worth and make the best of it. After all, that IS all I can do isn't it?
There are so many people out there who suffer from mental illness and it goes undetected. They get good at hiding behind all the smiles, sarcasm or whatever their armor is. The armor doesn't last forever and they get exhausted from all the pain. All they want is for the pain to go away, THEY want to go away. You know someone now, because you just read
someone's story.
Fortunatly my story ends better than most. Don't take
someone's thought of suicide lightly if you see them hurting just pick up the phone.
http://vimeo.com/6971072
Wow! Talk about being unseasonably cheery! This just isn't like me. I am actually enjoying the holidays without any major stress. Our kids gifts are bought and wrapped, the house is oozing with Christmas cheer, and even the unpredictable Texas weather has cooperated. The cooler air makes it really feel like Christmas.
